1 Feb 2026
This one is a little hard for me to answer. Fair warning that I won't be as positive as normal.
For one, I feel like when I look into a mirror and see myself, I have to have some kind of goals in mind. What kind of person do I think I am now? What kind of person do I want to become? Have I done right by everyone by being what they want me to be? How much of me wanting these questions to asked comes from within me and my own spiritual journey, versus how much of it comes from what is constantly broadcasted into me by any-and-all of the public world? Will I ever see something that makes me feel alive? But these are just the metaphysical questions, you know.
The physical ones I have more answers for. When I look in a mirror, I don't see anything yet that makes me happy. Not truly. Some days I get up and I think, "well, I look like I've been taking care of my health decently lately." My skin doesn't look dry and my eyes don't look as sunken. Usually when I see that, it's because I've already been putting in effort into maintaining myself, so I already know that I'm doing alright. It's more the idea that I know I'm "kidding myself" somewhat. Fake it 'till you believe it, right? Maybe my partner will eventually help clicker train me to realize when I'm spiraling and that'll help. It's hard to stay #pawsitive as a Trans Person Living Where I Live, made worse when I barely have any physical connection to other queer people. All I want to do is move on with my life and start living, start seeing the changes I need. Arguably the biggest barrier for me blooming into life has been that I can barely see myself in it, since I've never gotten the chances to transition to the extent I need to. I should really look into DIY at this point, because I'm certain I won't be able to afford anything I really need for a long time...
Yeah, sometimes I do see a really pretty woman. The way how the shadows catch my cheekbones, the way my hair feels light and flowing when I'm able to keep up on hygiene, a freshly shaved body which is literally the best sensory experience ever. And like, I know I know I know that I can't just let myself fall into the trap of thinking that I'm not as valid for not having "gone far enough" in my transition compared to where I want to be. It doesn't change who I am, I know. But some days it's not even about the yearning for the future, you know? Some days I just really need to feel pretty because I know it makes me feel strong, days where everything feels worse and scarier than I can handle, and if I could just be in public with other friends and family and just be visibly myself it would give me the confidence to climb out of that shadow.
It's sometimes said that transition is a piecemeal thing. That for some folks, they wake up one day and look in the mirror, and don't necessarily see anything different than normal because they're moving towards what should have always been normal, and instead see on that day that they're finally living. Finally, fully, alive.
Whenever I look at mirrors, I don't see anything living, even on those days where I look well maintained. This week in particular, I've avoided them as much as I could. It was the full moon the start of this month, and the comedown from it has been particularly hard. Cycles are a thing, y'all. I should've gone to the support group meeting tonight, but I couldn't pull myself together enough to clean up and get my ass out there, in person, with people I know care about me. I'm sorry. There will be another one soon, so maybe it's okay that I needed a little more time to myself ... huh, maybe that's why I picked up journaling like this again.